Or "Less Frequently Asked Questions", this being the area where, unsurprisingly, I bore you with the results of idle moments of thought, worded as if the subject matter is someway meaningful and useful to yourself and as if I am doing you a favour by telling you something you neither care about nor would ever have asked, had you the chance. Which you hadn't, or, to be correct, have not had.

Quite.

1. People have never asked me this question: "Where did the idea of the BeBeCe marshes come from?" If they had, though, the answer would be that, like most fictional places, they came from the author's imagination. I know that wasn't (or would not have been) your question, but it would be the right answer. However, I have since discovered that such places - where moss thick enough to support the typical human body grows directly over water - do exist in quite abundant quantity. Let's briefly define what we mean by the words marsh, moorland, bog and swampland.

   Marsh: Low land flooded in wet weather and usually watery at all times.

   Moorland: A tract of open uncultivated upland, especially when covered with heather.

   Bog: Wet, spongy ground.

   Swampland: A piece of waterlogged ground; a bog or marsh.

Or so says the Oxford English Dictionary, in its infinite n. experience or knowledge together with the power of applying them critically or practically. I would agree with Moorland, adding that such land is usually quite hard and stony underfoot, and bog, adding further that such conditions are usually found atop large quantities of water-logged mud, and not as a result of overlying water. As for swampland being a bog or marsh, I would disagree - "swamp" in my definition is extensive, usually tropical bog-land, with large amounts of vegetation. Equatorial African deltas are generally swampland - the bit of grass beside the bus stop on a wet Wednesday afternoon is not. (...)

So.... BeBeCe is formed of a kind of "super-marsh", where the ground itself floats atop the water. Where does this occur, then? Not on Dartmoor, or at least, not that I've seen. Dartmoor is, as the name suggests, largely moorland with a bit of bog thrown in. The other moors are generally the same, and, should such terrain be present, it would be a long, wet and unpleasant trudge in the pouring rain to see such an occurrence. Why bother, when, at the other end of England, there exists perfect specimens literally five minutes walk from the roadside? Nope, not the North-York moors (though there are a few tiny spots there) or Northumberland (where there's probably loads, but I've yet to be motivated to walk anywhere on Northumberland's grim moorland). I'm talking about the Lake District.

Yes, the English Lake District. Apparently, 30 million people descend on the Lakes each year, and, if you're one of them and have some time to spare, you are amply placed to visit the inspiration for the BeBeCe Marshes. Not something anyone could ordinarily be bothered to do (least of all myself), but these walks have the added advantage of getting you out into the open air and giving some real exercise (remember that?), coupled with brilliant scenery and easy car-parking opportunities (some concessions, sadly, must be made.)

(Wouldn't you know it? I've been giving you the wrong directions, now corrected.)

Right then. Firstly, assuming you are blessed with some degree of competence (if not, try walk #3, below), you can find White Moss Car Park, on the main road between Ambleside and Grasmere. There are two car-parks, one for the lake (the second of the two, on the left coming from Ambleside) and one for the hills, (beneath the small roadside crag (on the right from the same direction, unmistakable - there's usually an ice-cream van parked there*). The latter is the one we're concerned with, so stop in there.  I say stop, if you're driving, because you may well be an idiot incapable of navigating country lanes at slow speeds. If not, you can keep driving. Whatever, follow the small backroad (easily seen) that runs parallel to the main road. If you've bought an ice cream, please try not to drop it.

(You may also approach from Town End, Grasmere, where they're building a roundabout to make it even more life-threatening for the Japanese tourists visiting Dove Cottage. Passing Wordsworth's home, staying on that lane until you reach the road off to the right at the start of a steep uphill climb, taking that right, and continuing until the point mentioned below is just as good, but longer.)

This road is tarmac'd, but fairly comfortable to walk on. Which is a good thing, because you have to follow it all the way up until you find yourself with a bench on your right, and a small carpark above a small, overgrown quarry on your left. Sit on the bench, because you're probably unfit. Please don't smoke or leave litter. Now, on your left (you're sat on the bench, looking down the valley - nice view, isn't it? Shame about the bloody great mobile phone antenna on Red Bank, (from 2001), which you may not be able to see, depending on trees and such.)  Now, follow the track that runs up past the big rock behind you. Just keep going. On your way, you'll pass a small tarn with a dangerous-looking fence round it, keep going. You can also take the lesser track from just beside the road (passing another bench), which may be a little better.

Now, with your wits about you, find a vantage point from which you can see the real hills closest to you, technically east. You're pretty much on your own now - it is up there, past the out-of-place rhododendron (which you can't see), and looking like an area of flat marshiness with reeds and soforth. It's not that big, have a look about. If you do find it, walk carefully - I've yet to fall in, but I'd imagine it's not a pleasant experience. It is, in places, a good BeBeCe simulator for the curiously mad. Take a photo of the spot and you win a prize.** (NB. This is not "White Moss Top" as I call it, the obvious object of the track I've advised you to take, which has a marshy puddle or two - see the curious adventures of Simon Challands, below.)

Secondly, assuming you're not afraid of a proper walk, buy yourself an Ordnance Survey map that covers the Grasmere-Langdale area - Grasmere Common, as it is known by the OS. Have a look between those two places, in the vicinity of Silver How and, to the North, Easdale Tarn; the whole area up there is littered with small tarns, some of which are covered by moss. Take care, the tarns up here are quite deep and some are not tarns at all, but bogs. The dry-tarn Mecca is Blindtarn Moss which, from Alcock Tarn or indeed anything on the other side of the valley, looks like a strange, high plateau. The bits of this tarn that are likely to have water in them are covered by a thick bed of reeds - don't walk on this, because you're likely to get very wet, or worse, nibbled to death by moorhen.

While you're in the Lakes, why not stop off at the Traveller's Rest, Grasmere, (or any Jennings pub) for a solid pint of Jennings Snecklifter ale? It's not wholly Brown (just 5.3%), but it's my drink of choice and a change from whatever you're used to drinking. It's not strictly _true_ real ale (though it is real ale), but it is consistently drinkable and wholesome, which is what's really important. If you have to struggle to finish the first pint because of the supposedly "real" taste of brewing with goat's bollocks, or whatever, IMO the point of drinking good ale is defeated.  "Pint 't' Sneck', please!" is the correct way of placing an order. (Not: "I'll think I'll try one of those so-called Sneck-Lifters, if that's alright. On second thoughts, do you have any Fosters?")

Simon Challands would probably (I haven't asked him) encourage you to drop into the Boot and Shoe, Greystoke. I originally had a reason for updating this page, but I've forgotten it, and therefore have decided to produce speculative pub recommendations.

Don't drink and drive.

The third walk, to which I refer the feckless and lazy, is this: moss, obtained easily at a ridiculous price (considering it's far more common than grass in around 10% of Britain) floats naturally on water (after you've taken the lumps of mud off). Therefore, place a few square feet of it in the bath or shallow garden pond, and walk up and down for a minute. It won't hold your weight, especially as you probably don't get enough exercise anyway, and is likely to cause you some injury, possibly serious. I therefore absolve myself of any responsibility for your life and wellbeing, and any detriment to such caused through pursuit, directly or not, of my "advice".

By the way, I'm not asking you to perpetrate acts of vandalism by stealing moss from public (or non-public) places. God forbid. You wouldn't do it anyway, but I don't want to give the wrong impressions.

* Don't buy the rip-off "pirate" versions of those tube-like ice things (Callypos?) by Walls - they contain an cheap, harmless orange colouring used in children's chemistry sets as an acid test, consumption of which has a predicable and disturbing effect on the urine. Last time I tried to test this, he gave me a well-made Ribena substitute, because he was "out" of the offending item (a "Strika", I have since learnt).

** Really, a prize. Not much of a prize (you're not going to do it anyway, so I'm not going to go to too much trouble), but it will be something. Anyway, you should be satisfied with the rewarding experience of a visit to the Lake District, you city-dwelling wasters. (The existence of a prize has since proven to be a lie).

So ends the bizarre preamble that was Question One.

2. Has anyone actually done this?

Yes. Simon Challands has, and what's more, he took photos. This initially worried me just a tiny little bit, for many reasons, all of which are none-too-difficult to discern and are solely products of my vulnerable imagination and in no way reflect upon the sanity or otherwise of Simon. Thankfully Simon lives close by and was just on an innocent day out in a wonderful part of the countryside - unlike Thirlmere Carpark Man, whom we won't go into (though you can't really fault his motives, and he's probably a nice enough sort of bloke - but why not vary the carpark a bit, eh? I mean, you could end up giving people the heebeejeebes.)

I would like to point out that I consider this a great complement to TEB.

Therefore, the only current recipient of the Elite Bar Fellowship Of Obvious Loonies (TEBFOOL) (by request) is:

SIMON CHALLANDS

The next attempt to scare me witless will follow in question (5)

3. Do you have any candid photos of red squirrels?

Yes. You are strongly urged to take an interested in the ongoing efforts for the conservation of the British Red Squirrel, and to believe in facts, rather than hype from both sides, about the imported Grey. If you would like to learn more about the Red squirrel, feel free to ask. redsquirrels@bee-team.demon.co.uk

Remember, don't feed greys in critical areas, such as the Lake District, Northumberland, or anywhere else where active Red conservation is underway. Whenever you visit a National Trust site in the North of England, ask them if they are actively controlling the grey squirrel (i.e. shooting) and actively supporting the red (supplementary feeding that gives no access to greys). If not, why not? The fence-sitting of the NT hasn't done the Red any favours. Although, in truth, nuts, well-maintained feeders and air-rifle pellets are more useful than donations to wildlife preservation societies, money can be used to help inform and educate the pubic, and in that capacity, does a lot of good. BTW, just don't feed Grey squirrels anywhere!

You may be encouraged to learn that the Red squirrel is alive and well in South Cumberland. Local populations in areas with control and supplementary feeding are thriving and competing successfully. Some sort of "Special Red Squirrel Reserve" (I forget the exact wording) has recent been established at Thirlmere, which is good news. You never know, those feeding stations may actually be filled with nuts. Unless Thirlmere Carpark Man has them for lunch. (The nuts, that is, not the squirrels, the hoppers or the people that fill them. I understand he likes wildlife.)

4. Do so-called "Breath-Right Nasal Strips" have a positive effect on a blocked nose, or are they just another gimmick? And what the hell do I care?

My opinion is divided. On one hand, they do hold the nasal passage open enough to alter the collection and propagation of mucus* in a way that aids but does not ensure a chance of breathing through the nose alone. However, they have several serious flaws. Firstly, they're a bugger to get stuck down - the spring action that forms the basis of their design coupled with weak adhesive means they're always springing up, especially if the nose is greasy with sweat. Secondly, they cost a lot for a few pieces of sticky plastic. Thirdly, they get in the way of actually blowing your nose, inhibiting muscle action and usually falling off. As a sufferer of strongly  nasally-oriented hayfever and colds, I wouldn't rate them too highly. You have a right not to care. I shall evaluate no more medical products; I've yet to wound myself seriously enough to use those Savlon Active-Heal things that are supposed to promote wound healing. Touch wood..

* Sorry if you're squeamish about words like mucus.

5. Are you stupid enough to set another challenge based on previous experience?

Yes. So here we go. It would be a bad idea to try and pin down one single pub that formed the inspiration for the Elite Bar, because none exist. People who could live inside my mind (like the Fantastic Voyage*, but less informative and certainly nowhere near as entertaining) would be ready to suggest a lot of things, all of which would be nonsense. The cafe on Hartside, which I have been to once, when I was a small child, is not remote or indeed, any good. Nowhere is, because the Elite Bar is entirely imaginary, and finding pubs is not a challenge.

So, what else? I would suggest trying to surreptitiously photograph Thirlmere Carpark Man, but that would be evil, cruel, bizarre, potentially illegal and bloody difficult without precise instructions, which would amount to asking people to stalk someone I don't know for the sake of sport. Not withstanding the fact that he has nothing to do with TEB, being an innocent member of the public (I hope). I wouldn't suggest that at all, what the hell am I talking about? But I could suggest you give me the name of Thirlmere Carpark Man's car-park, and a photograph of the obvious nearby feature, neither of which have anything to do with TEB either.

Wildlife has a lot to do with TEB. It has owls, squirrels, bats, mice, cork-a-something-or-other, fish and who knows what else. Therefore, this challenge is an easy one (especially for Simon Challands, but there you go). Take a photo of a WILD red squirrel OR take a photo of yourself (I'm really asking for it now) standing  near something related to Calor Gas OTHER THAN a plain old red or blue cylinder. The more remote the location in the background, the better. Or alternatively, climb Everest naked (no photos, for god's sake!) to find the ten pound note I've hidden at the top.

Good luck, you silly sods!

* Or perhaps like the Guinness brewing company, in collusion with the US Department of Defence.

6. So has anyone done any of that, then?

Have they heck. Thank lord, otherwise we'd be in a right old state.

7. In The Elite Bar, "Bee-Keep" seems to keep squirrels, owls, nightjars etc. as pets. Is this the case? Do you keep squirrels or owls in captivity?

Bee-Keep does NOT keep any of the Elite Bar fauna in captivity - it's almost certainly the other way around. They choose to live in the rafters, as all good fictional animal friends should. In real life, keeping as a pet any animal that should rightfully be living in the wild is a VERY BAD IDEA. In the case of squirrels and owls in the UK, without the proper licence it's also DOWNRIGHT ILLEGAL, not to mention SERIOUSLY CRUEL. Unless you have A VERY GOOD REASON and suitable EXPERTIESE, don't even think about it. I only mention this because the Westmoreland Gazette spent half a page a few weeks ago warning parents about the dangers of buying OWLS for their children at Christmas.

A note: if you are ever presented with the OPPORTUNIY to red squirrels or live grey squirrels, for crying out loud, report it to the police. I can't believe that such a trade exists here (the USA is a different matter), but nonetheless. Owls are a different matter - in the same manner that birds of prey can be kept by falconers, so too owls. Probably.

Of course, If someone approaches you in a motorway service station and mumbles something along the lines of "You interested in a nice owl, mister? Little Snowy, maybe, for the kids? Lovely present, innit? Knock-down price, I'm going abroad, see, and I need to get shift of 'em quick like. Sound as a pound..." and so on, then you're right to be suspicious.

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